Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
