Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
