She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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