so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
