I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
