a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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