I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
