dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
