All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
