I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
