She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
