Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
