I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
