I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I met the friendliest cop last night
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
