turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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