I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
