My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
