please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
