this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
