He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
