I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
