you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
