K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
