I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
