The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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