Soap is not a condiment
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
