I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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