You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
