saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
