I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
