If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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