I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
