Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
