I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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