I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
