I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
