I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
