she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude i'm inner monologue high
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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