...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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