I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
