Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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