I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
