I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
