So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
