Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
