I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
