My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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