Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
