Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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