I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
