quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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